Slowly I Turned
by OyNebach42
Summary: One shot based on a three stooges skit. Hoss meets Adam and Joe in a saloon after being away for 5 years. But he learns his brothers aren't on the best of terms anymore. Read, review and enjoy!


Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo everybody. This is a one-shot based on a three stooges skit, which was also on abbot and Costello and The I Love Lucy show. I thought it would be funny to do it with the Cartwrights, so here it is. I don't own anything. Read Review and enjoy!-OyNebach42

Slowly I turned

Hoss took a swig of beer, amazed at how the silver dollar had managed to keep its same recipe for so long.

For five long years, Hoss had been away from Virginia City. He and his brothers made a promise long ago to meet in the saloon five years from the day that they'd spilt up.

Today was that day.

Sighing, Hoss looked around the almost empty saloon and glanced at his watch. His brothers were late.

A drunk staggered up to the bar, an empty bottle clasp in each hand. A wild beard covered his chin, and a black eye patch hung over one eye. "Give me another whiskey!" The man ordered.

Hoss moved over to give the new comer room.

"Give me another whiskey!"

Frowning, the bartender shook his head, "I'm not giving you anything, sap, until you pay for what you already drank!"

The bum released the bottles in favor of the bartender's collar. "You don't understand!" He shouted, "I used to be a rich man, my luck's just not holding out now, I'll pay you back when I get the money, honest!"

Hoss felt sympathy for this broken man, and laid a five dollar piece on the bar. "It's alright, friend, I'll pay for ya."

"What did you call me?!" The man asked voice sober.

"Just, friend," Hoss muttered raising his hands in defense.

The bum smiled, "that's something I haven't been called in along time," he accepted the whiskey bottle with a grateful nod. "You know, once I was like you, 'bout five years ago to be exact. Then she came into my life. We were married, and I had every thing I wanted. Then one day, I came home from work and found a note on her pillow 'dear Adam, I ran away with Joe'. I tell you son, my life has never been the same." He stopped to take a drink.

Hoss gazed at the bun curiously, "Adam?"

The bottle lowered, "that's my name, why- Hoss?"

Both brothers embraced, simultaneously asking questions. Once they calmed down, Hoss started again.

"Heck, it's good to see you, Adam." Hoss exclaimed, "What's this you say about Joe?"

Tears came into Adam's good eye. "He stole my wife, Hoss. Ran off with her and left me alone… But I didn't let that stop me… I've been trailing him around the county… Louisville, San Francisco, New York, and I almost got him in Carson City."

"Adam, are you sure it was Joe?"

"Don't you think I would know my own brother? It was him alright, but I taught him a lesson in Carson City. He won't forget that anytime soon."

"What did you do to him?"

"DO?" Adam roared, gripping Hoss' shirt, "why I beat him like this!" He doubled up his fist, "A right and a left in his face, and then both!" He called hitting Hoss, "Why I took his neck and nearly strangled all the life out of him."

Hoss shoved his brother back, "Adam, what's the matter with you?"

"I'm sorry, Hoss," The dark Cartwright whispered, and ran a hand over his face, "when I just think about him stealing my wife…." A shudder shook his frame.

"It's alright, Adam," Hoss soothed, "it's alright."

His brother sighed, "I really am sorry Hoss, sometimes I just snap and go crazy….That's the reason I never mention my wife's name… If I just hear it, I beat up everything in sight. By the way," he added quietly, "her name's the same as Gorge Washington's wife."

"Oh, you mean Martha!" Hoss exclaimed.

Adam's eye opened wide, "Martha, that's it! Martha!" Adam whirled at Hoss, "Slowly I turned, step by step, inch by inch, I walked up to him," The dark Cartwright advanced upon Hoss who found himself backed against the bar. "I smashed him like this, I hit him, I bopped him, I tore him to pieces and then I knocked him down!"

"Hey Adam!" Hoss shouted trying to block the blows, "Adam it's me!"

The beatings stopped instantly, "I'm sorry, Hoss, I told you that name just gets me!" He lowered a hand and helped Hoss to his feet.

"Did you ever talk to a doctor 'bout this, Adam? It ain't normal just to go crazy every time somebody says Martha."

"Martha!" Adam shouted, "Slowly, I turned, step by step, inch by inch. I walked up to him-"

"Now, Adam" Hoss called franticly, "Adam!"

From the crazed look in the older brother's eyes one could tell the warning meant nothing. "I smashed him like this, I hit him, I bopped him, I tore him to pieces and I knocked him down!"

"Adam, Adam it's me! Hoss!"

"Hoss? Oh Hoss, I'm truly sorry but I keep telling you not to mention that name!"

The large man got to his feet. "Don't worry, Adam, I won't never say, Mar-" Adam looked at him expectantly, Hoss smiled. "That was close, I almost said Martha!" Hoss paled instantly, as Adam went into a trance.

"Martha! Slowly I turned-"

Hoss didn't wait to see what would happen, and ran into the backroom, where he bumped into a well dressed man.

"Hey sorry there, Friend," Hoss began looking over his shoulder.

"What did you call me?" asked the man, "nobody's called me friend in along time."

Hoss gulped, "you too, hu?"

"Yap, you know once I was like you, happy and carefree, all of that changed when I met her. We ran away, but that didn't stop her husband, he trailed us-"

"To Louisville?"

"Yeah!"

"San fransisco and New York, until he caught you in Carson City?"

"Yeah, how do you know?"

Hoss smiled, "Joe, don't you recognize me?"

A grin lit the other's face, and his handle bar mustache curled, "Hoss, it sure is good to see you again!"

"It's good seein' you too little brother. So, I heard about everything that happened to you and your wife, Mar-"

Joe raised a hand, "Hoss, whatever you do, don't say her name! When I hear it… I just… I just go insane! She ran off with somebody else, and it's all Adam's fault, she was guilty about leaving him!"

Hoss frowned, must be catchy, "say you know Adam's here?"

"He is?!" Joe shouted, "Let me at him, Hoss, let me at him! I'll teach that brother a thing or two. Marry my girl! And then come chasing and trying to kill me once I get her back! Oh, I'll fix him, just like I fixed his eyes three years ago!"

"You did that to him?"

"Yap, but before I could finish him off he escaped… But I won't let that happen this time… Nope, not this time…" Joe looked into the nearly vacant saloon," there's older brother,' he announced, "I'll fix him!"

Hoss held him back. "Darn burn it, Joe. I never thought I'd see you and ol' Adam goin' for each others' throats over some girl! Darn burn it, I wish you both had never met Martha!"

"Martha!" Joe exclaimed turning about, "slowly I turned, step by step, inch by inch, I walked up to him, I smashed him like this, I hit him, I bopped him, I tore him to pieces and I knocked him down!"

"Joe, Joe I ain't Adam!" Hoss cried.

The younger man blinked, "Hoss? Hoss, you can't say that name! I told you!"

"I'm sorry Joe, it's just-"

"Hoss?" Adam called, poking his head into the room, "are you alright? I heard you scream and-"his voice left him when he noticed Joe. "YOU!"

"You yourself!"

"You got me last time, but you're not gonna get a second chance!" Adam shouted, as he and Joe began circling one another.

The younger brother threw his hat aside. "Let's finish this!"

Hoss tried in vain to get his brothers to snap out of it, but neither listened.

Purposefully, Adam walked up to Joe and extended a hand. Both shook hands fondly. "It sure is good to see you again, Joe!"

"I nearly had you in Carson!" They shared a chuckle.

"Wait!" Hoss said, "You mean you fellas ain't the least bit sore about what happened?"

Joe shrugged, "Don't bring it up, that's ancient history!"

"Yeah," Adam agreed, "me and Joe let by gones be by gones."

Hoss smiled, and placed an arm around each brother's shoulder. "Well, that's the nicest thing I've hear all day, come on, I'll buy drinks!" They consented and started to the bar.

After a few drinks, and some songs, Hoss faced his brothers. "It's real good to see you boys ain't still sore about Martha!"

Grinning wickedly, Adam and Joe turned towards him, "slowly we turned, step by step, inch by inch-"

Screaming, Hoss fled the saloon; his brother's in fast pursuit.

A/N: hope you all liked it! Please review!


End file.
